There are still some things though that make being a working mom tough, the one at the top of my list is at times feeling like I have no control over Nicolas' well-being and development. With Daddy being at home with him, I know he is in good hands; but I wish he were in MY hands. There are so many things I want to work on with him but can't since my time is really limited. By the time I get home from work it's the time of day Nicolas is winding down at night. And yeah I get the full weekend days with him, but that's usually filled more with play time since I didn't get much of that during the week. Plus, Daddy has his own routine going on during the week. Here's an example. So when Nicolas was approaching 4months, I decided to start giving him practice sitting in his highchair each day. He is going to start solids soon, and being able to sit well in his highchair is the first step to the whole eating process. Each day I would get home from work and sit him there in his chair while we had dinner. But soon, he would get cranky being there. Imagine, it's the end of a long day of activity so there is no way the little guy wants to be sitting up like that. So I told Daddy to set him there while he eats lunch in the daytime. And what happens, the highchair has become a place to stash old mail and is hidden away in a corner of the house. Augh. Things like that make me upset. With regard to the solids, I plan on starting him on solids and introducing each new food on weekend days so I can at least witness his first reactions to food. I just hope Daddy will keep with a routine that I want to establish. But since he's home all day with Nicolas, he (like any mother would do) is going to establish a routine that works for him. And solids, that's another mess since I want to make his food. I don't stress about making it since I can do that on the weekends. I stress about Daddy preparing the frozen food for him and knowing when to gradually increase Nicolas' intake.
Nicolas is developing at a rapid pace and it hurts my heart not to see these developments when they first happen. Of course, whenever there is something new I haven't seen, I get very excited. So I run off and tell Daddy all about what the little guy can now do. And what do I get, "I know, he's been doing that for weeks now." Weeks?? Where have I been? I feel so behind and, again, like an outsider to this world that I once belonged to. When will I get to see something for the first time that Daddy hasn't seen yet?
I think I've also mentioned that I do monthly diaries to document all of Nicolas' milestones each month. One thing I was always worried about was drawing a blank when the time of the month came to make an update to my journal. And man, November 1st came around and I felt like I had no idea what happened with Nicolas. Searching between all these work related thoughts in my head, I tried to find where I had hidden away those October memories. When I came up empty, all I could do was cry. Not to mention the number of photos I would have of this kid monthly was reduced drastically since Mommy is usually the one pulling paparazzi in the home. I still have yet to do the October journal, for lack of time and I think for fear that my journal entry will go from the usual four pages to a single paragraph. It makes me wonder when Nicolas looks at this one day will he look at the sudden change in the journal and wonder what happened? I hope he understands its because I returned to work and not because I stopped caring. I did manage to pull of the monthly celebration cake I've done each time Nicolas gets one month older. However, this month that was accomplished by making a tres leches cake at 2am on Halloween night so we could have cake the next day.
So, as the post title says, I'm surviving. Things definitely do not feel right, but I'm able to still put a smile on my face each day and enjoy the precious, limited time I have at home. I'm sure every working mom feels incomplete in some way.
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