I feel like I'm in Limbo. Although my first day at work was only 4 1/2 hours long, I felt so disconnected when I got home to be reunited with Nicolas. He has no concept of time, so he just smiled at me like everything was normal; meanwhile, I spent the day trying not to think about him for fear of crying, so I feel like I had just been put through the wringer.
When I was on maternity leave, I lived in a world that I liked to call "Mommy World". I think a lot of you stay-at-home moms know what world I'm talking about. This world existed apart from the real world. This world was centered around my little family and that was the only thing that was of any importance. For example, we were hit by Tropical Storm Nicole last week, and I sat home that day oblivious and wondering why it rained non-stop. In Mommy World, you aren't on anyone's schedule but your own. If you want to go out to the mall, you didn't have to wait for the weekend to come around. You could hit the mall, the park, the beach, just about anywhere and not have to worry about running into a crowd. There were no weekdays or weekends - every day was just a day and every night was like a weekend night. Time was not of the essence. I would take Nicolas out of the house and, so long as I packed enough bottles and diapers, there wasn't any rush.
However, since I have returned to work, I've had to return to the real world. The real world where you need to work to pay the bills. The real world where work days exist and "fun" days happen only on Saturdays and Sundays. The real world where, instead of driving my SUV with a carseat in the back row and a "Baby on Board" sign, I'm driving my husband's 4door sedan that shows no evidence that my little man exists. The real world where you are always in a rush, and there is never enough time; but in the real world, you can run multiple errands in less than half an hour since it takes only seconds to get in and out of your car. Unlike Mommy World, you can leave your house just by grabbing your purse and going, instead of spending an hour preparing to leave the house. My big problem though is that the real world knows that your baby exists, but it doesn't revolve around your baby. Maybe it's self-centered, but I hate how the real world wants me to conform to their rules. Why can't the real world make some concessions for me since I have an infant at home?
I was deported from Mommy World that moment I stepped out the door to return to work. Unfortunately, the real world doesn't realize that the transition between the worlds doesn't happen overnight and wonders why I am finding this transition so difficult. Yes, I get up and go to work, but there are still remnants of my life in Mommy World that make the transition difficult. I'm still trying to get back my pre-pregnancy body so every now and then my maternity pants make an appearance. The tendinitis that developed in my shoulders and hands about a month after Nicolas was born is has carried over into the real world with me. Yes, Nicolas is still sleeping through the night now; but I'm still constantly tired. In Mommy World, there was hardly an outing I made without Nicolas in tote. In the real world I travel so lightweight that I feel like something is always missing. I miss being in Mommy World so much that it's hard for me to let go and fully immerse myself in the real world. I spend the day at my desk trying to focus on work while constantly being distracted by my thoughts of Nicolas and by coworkers constantly asking how he's doing and how I'm adjusting.
I'm only allowed a weekend pass to Mommy World now. The two glorious, yet ridiculously short, days I spend every waking minute with Nicolas. Saturdays and Sundays I am transported back to the blissful times I spent in Mommy World those first three months. Although I see Nicolas every day of the week, I feel like the weekends are the only time I can be with him as his mom. During the week, I leave for work when he is still sleeping and I get home when he is taking his long afternoon nap. I get an hour or so of playtime before the bedtime routine starts. I feel like I'm just his playmate on these days. He doesn't necessarily need me, but he'll take the entertainment.
I am a part of two separate worlds, yet I don't consider myself as fitting into either of these worlds completely. It makes me wonder how long it will take for my worlds to mesh, or if I will always feel torn between Mommy World and the real world.
When I was on maternity leave, I lived in a world that I liked to call "Mommy World". I think a lot of you stay-at-home moms know what world I'm talking about. This world existed apart from the real world. This world was centered around my little family and that was the only thing that was of any importance. For example, we were hit by Tropical Storm Nicole last week, and I sat home that day oblivious and wondering why it rained non-stop. In Mommy World, you aren't on anyone's schedule but your own. If you want to go out to the mall, you didn't have to wait for the weekend to come around. You could hit the mall, the park, the beach, just about anywhere and not have to worry about running into a crowd. There were no weekdays or weekends - every day was just a day and every night was like a weekend night. Time was not of the essence. I would take Nicolas out of the house and, so long as I packed enough bottles and diapers, there wasn't any rush.
However, since I have returned to work, I've had to return to the real world. The real world where you need to work to pay the bills. The real world where work days exist and "fun" days happen only on Saturdays and Sundays. The real world where, instead of driving my SUV with a carseat in the back row and a "Baby on Board" sign, I'm driving my husband's 4door sedan that shows no evidence that my little man exists. The real world where you are always in a rush, and there is never enough time; but in the real world, you can run multiple errands in less than half an hour since it takes only seconds to get in and out of your car. Unlike Mommy World, you can leave your house just by grabbing your purse and going, instead of spending an hour preparing to leave the house. My big problem though is that the real world knows that your baby exists, but it doesn't revolve around your baby. Maybe it's self-centered, but I hate how the real world wants me to conform to their rules. Why can't the real world make some concessions for me since I have an infant at home?
I was deported from Mommy World that moment I stepped out the door to return to work. Unfortunately, the real world doesn't realize that the transition between the worlds doesn't happen overnight and wonders why I am finding this transition so difficult. Yes, I get up and go to work, but there are still remnants of my life in Mommy World that make the transition difficult. I'm still trying to get back my pre-pregnancy body so every now and then my maternity pants make an appearance. The tendinitis that developed in my shoulders and hands about a month after Nicolas was born is has carried over into the real world with me. Yes, Nicolas is still sleeping through the night now; but I'm still constantly tired. In Mommy World, there was hardly an outing I made without Nicolas in tote. In the real world I travel so lightweight that I feel like something is always missing. I miss being in Mommy World so much that it's hard for me to let go and fully immerse myself in the real world. I spend the day at my desk trying to focus on work while constantly being distracted by my thoughts of Nicolas and by coworkers constantly asking how he's doing and how I'm adjusting.
I'm only allowed a weekend pass to Mommy World now. The two glorious, yet ridiculously short, days I spend every waking minute with Nicolas. Saturdays and Sundays I am transported back to the blissful times I spent in Mommy World those first three months. Although I see Nicolas every day of the week, I feel like the weekends are the only time I can be with him as his mom. During the week, I leave for work when he is still sleeping and I get home when he is taking his long afternoon nap. I get an hour or so of playtime before the bedtime routine starts. I feel like I'm just his playmate on these days. He doesn't necessarily need me, but he'll take the entertainment.
I am a part of two separate worlds, yet I don't consider myself as fitting into either of these worlds completely. It makes me wonder how long it will take for my worlds to mesh, or if I will always feel torn between Mommy World and the real world.
So wonderfully written. I'm sure you'll find your groove soon enough. The Mommy World is great, but a bonus to being a part of the real world is that you get some time for YOU, you get to take care of YOU, and you get to discover the new YOU. You get to experience the sense of accomplishment that comes from knowing that you can not only function greatly as a mother but as a person who's more than a mother.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who lives in the Mommy World I struggle with remembering who I am outside of my mothering role. I also don't feel like I'm particularly good at anything other than being a mother. While working sucks (BIG time), you get a chance to incorporate motherhood in a way that makes you an even more well-rounded person and you have a sense of accomplishment that proves you are good at being more than just a mother. Not that being "just a mother" is bad, it's just that as a mother you spend so much of your time focusing on and caring for everyone else around you that you forget how to care for and think about yourself.