Surviving

Well, it's been over a month now since my return to work. I apologize for now providing any updates on this sooner, let's just say any time I have outside of work is precious and I've been using it to take full advantage of Nicolas. I won't say I'm 100% over having to leave my son to return to work, but I'm adjusting as best I can. But it's been rough. I have at least gone from crying every day twice a day (when I leave home from work and when I'm leaving work to come home) to crying only once a week. I think it's due to the whole week catching up with me, so that Friday afternoon commute back home is filled with thoughts of everything I may have missed. 

There are still some things though that make being a working mom tough, the one at the top of my list is at times feeling like I have no control over Nicolas' well-being and development. With Daddy being at home with him, I know he is in good hands; but I wish he were in MY hands. There are so many things I want to work on with him but can't since my time is really limited. By the time I get home from work it's the time of day Nicolas is winding down at night. And yeah I get the full weekend days with him, but that's usually filled more with play time since I didn't get much of that during the week. Plus, Daddy has his own routine going on during the week. Here's an example. So when Nicolas was approaching 4months, I decided to start giving him practice sitting in his highchair each day. He is going to start solids soon, and being able to sit well in his highchair is the first step to the whole eating process. Each day I would get home from work and sit him there in his chair while we had dinner. But soon, he would get cranky being there. Imagine, it's the end of a long day of activity so there is no way the little guy wants to be sitting up like that. So I told Daddy to set him there while he eats lunch in the daytime. And what happens, the highchair has become a place to stash old mail and is hidden away in a corner of the house. Augh. Things like that make me upset. With regard to the solids, I plan on starting him on solids and introducing each new food on weekend days so I can at least witness his first reactions to food. I just hope Daddy will keep with a routine that I want to establish. But since he's home all day with Nicolas, he (like any mother would do) is going to establish a routine that works for him. And solids, that's another mess since I want to make his food. I don't stress about making it since I can do that on the weekends. I stress about Daddy preparing the frozen food for him and knowing when to gradually increase Nicolas' intake. 

Nicolas is developing at a rapid pace and it hurts my heart not to see these developments when they first happen. Of course, whenever there is something new I haven't seen, I get very excited. So I run off and tell Daddy all about what the little guy can now do. And what do I get, "I know, he's been doing that for weeks now." Weeks?? Where have I been? I feel so behind and, again, like an outsider to this world that I once belonged to. When will I get to see something for the first time that Daddy hasn't seen yet? 

I think I've also mentioned that I do monthly diaries to document all of Nicolas' milestones each month. One thing I was always worried about was drawing a blank when the time of the month came to make an update to my journal. And man, November 1st came around and I felt like I had no idea what happened with Nicolas. Searching between all these work related thoughts in my head, I tried to find where I had hidden away those October memories. When I came up empty, all I could do was cry. Not to mention the number of photos I would have of this kid monthly was reduced drastically since Mommy is usually the one pulling paparazzi in the home. I still have yet to do the October journal, for lack of time and I think for fear that my journal entry will go from the usual four pages to a single paragraph. It makes me wonder when Nicolas looks at this one day will he look at the sudden change in the journal and wonder what happened? I hope he understands its because I returned to work and not because I stopped caring. I did manage to pull of the monthly celebration cake I've done each time Nicolas gets one month older. However, this month that was accomplished by making a tres leches cake at 2am on Halloween night so we could have cake the next day.

So, as the post title says, I'm surviving. Things definitely do not feel right, but I'm able to still put a smile on my face each day and enjoy the precious, limited time I have at home. I'm sure every working mom feels incomplete in some way.

Crossing Over into the Real World

I feel like I'm in Limbo. Although my first day at work was only 4 1/2 hours long, I felt so disconnected when I got home to be reunited with Nicolas. He has no concept of time, so he just smiled at me like everything was normal; meanwhile, I spent the day trying not to think about him for fear of crying, so I feel like I had just been put through the wringer. 


When I was on maternity leave, I lived in a world that I liked to call "Mommy World". I think a lot of you stay-at-home moms know what world I'm talking about. This world existed apart from the real world. This world was centered around my little family and that was the only thing that was of any importance. For example, we were hit by Tropical Storm Nicole last week, and I sat home that day oblivious and wondering why it rained non-stop. In Mommy World, you aren't on anyone's schedule but your own. If you want to go out to the mall, you didn't have to wait for the weekend to come around. You could hit the mall, the park, the beach, just about anywhere and not have to worry about running into a crowd. There were no weekdays or weekends - every day was just a day and every night was like a weekend night. Time was not of the essence. I would take Nicolas out of the house and, so long as I packed enough bottles and diapers, there wasn't any rush. 


However, since I have returned to work, I've had to return to the real world. The real world where you need to work to pay the bills. The real world where work days exist and "fun" days happen only on Saturdays and Sundays. The real world where, instead of driving my SUV with a carseat in the back row and a "Baby on Board" sign, I'm driving my husband's 4door sedan that shows no evidence that my little man exists. The real world where you are always in a rush, and there is never enough time; but in the real world, you can run multiple errands in less than half an hour since it takes only seconds to get in and out of your car. Unlike Mommy World, you can leave your house just by grabbing your purse and going, instead of spending an hour preparing to leave the house. My big problem though is that the real world knows that your baby exists, but it doesn't revolve around your baby. Maybe it's self-centered, but I hate how the real world wants me to conform to their rules. Why can't the real world make some concessions for me since I have an infant at home?


I was deported from Mommy World that moment I stepped out the door to return to work. Unfortunately, the real world doesn't realize that the transition between the worlds doesn't happen overnight and wonders why I am finding this transition so difficult. Yes, I get up and go to work, but there are still remnants of my life in Mommy World that make the transition difficult. I'm still trying to get back my pre-pregnancy body so every now and then my maternity pants make an appearance. The tendinitis that developed in my shoulders and hands about a month after Nicolas was born is has carried over into the real world with me. Yes, Nicolas is still sleeping through the night now; but I'm still constantly tired. In Mommy World, there was hardly an outing I made without Nicolas in tote. In the real world I travel so lightweight that I feel like something is always missing. I miss being in Mommy World so much that it's hard for me to let go and fully immerse myself in the real world. I spend the day at my desk trying to focus on work while constantly being distracted by my thoughts of Nicolas and by coworkers constantly asking how he's doing and how I'm adjusting. 


I'm only allowed a weekend pass to Mommy World now. The two glorious, yet ridiculously short, days I spend every waking minute with Nicolas. Saturdays and Sundays I am transported back to the blissful times I spent in Mommy World those first three months. Although I see Nicolas every day of the week, I feel like the weekends are the only time I can be with him as his mom. During the week, I leave for work when he is still sleeping and I get home when he is taking his long afternoon nap. I get an hour or so of playtime before the bedtime routine starts. I feel like I'm just his playmate on these days. He doesn't necessarily need me, but he'll take the entertainment. 


I am a part of two separate worlds, yet I don't consider myself as fitting into either of these worlds completely. It makes me wonder how long it will take for my worlds to mesh, or if I will always feel torn between Mommy World and the real world.

Greetings from the President!

Are you familiar with the White House Greetings Department? Well, if you are celebrating the birth/adoption of a child, you can send in a birth announcement to them and you will receive a greeting from the President and First Lady. All it will cost you is the price of the stamp to mail it in! You can find all the information you need just by entering "white house greetings" in a Google search. 

I sent in one for Nicolas when he was about a month old and it only took about a month to receive our card in the mail. I think this is so cool. I hope to show him this one day so he can feel special that the President sent him such warm wishes. Maybe it will inspire him to dream big and spark some ambition early on. 

A Kiss Before Dying - The Mommy Version

My maternity leave is officially over. On the eve of my return to work, I sit here full of anxiety at not just what tomorrow holds, but what the future holds for me as a mother. Nicolas was especially difficult to put to bed tonight. I've never heard him cry so much and so intensely. Did he somehow find out that I'm leaving him tomorrow? "Don't leave me Mommy," said his little hands as they gripped my fingers. "I'm sorry, honey, I have no control over this," said my arms holding him tight as I walked with him around the room trying to calm him. 


Am I dying you ask? No, but I feel like I am. This person, this mother I have become will die tomorrow and a new one will take her place. Although the past few months at home with Nicolas have been a piece of heaven on Earth, I have unknowingly been working my way through the stages of dying. The date of my death was set almost a year ago, that glorious day back in October 2009 when I found out I was pregnant. I went into work that morning so hopeful. Here was my chance to get out of this crappy job and start my new life. Get ready to take on the job I was born to do - become a stay-at-home mom. My dreams were short-lived. I returned home that day from work to find out that my husband had lost his job. Clock set. Estimated Date of Death: October 1, 2010.


STAGE 1 - DENIAL:
I spent my entire pregnancy in denial. There was the looming possibility that my lifelong dream of being a stay-at-home mom would not come to fruition, but I stubbornly ignored it. "There's no way we can't make this work for at least a year,"I kept telling myself. Even if our income wasn't enough, we would have enough saved up to make it happen. I don't know if it was denial or hopefulness. The months went by as I worked and saved money to kept my dream alive. Ignoring the fact that my husband still couldn't find work, my daily mantra was: "Don't worry, everything will work out." 


By the time Nicolas was born, nothing had really changed for us financially, other than the fact that I was starting maternity leave and there would be no income in the house. We'd be living straight off my savings. The more time I spent at home with Nicolas and the more attached we became, the more in denial I became. "I can't go back to work. How can I go back to work October 1st if he needs me to do the things only his mom would know to do." 


STAGE 2 - ANGER:
Suddenly, it hit me. I was no longer in control of this. It was going to happen and I have always known this. I would have to return to work while Daddy, still unemployed, stayed home with Nicolas. Now, anger rears its ugly head at the most unexpected moments. One moment I'm happy and having a great day, and out of nowhere something sets me off. I'm furious. I don't want anyone to talk to me. I don't want anyone to touch me. Nicolas is the only one that can bring a smile back to my face and distract me from the rage.


And this anger is directed to everyone, and I mean EVERYONE. I'm angry at myself - Why didn't you wait a bit more time to have this beautiful child, wait until things were actually stable with your husband's job so that he could be the sole provider? You put yourself in this position. I'm angry at my husband - How could you let this happen? This was my lifelong dream and you have stolen it from me! You could have done more to save me from the fate that awaits me. This is a once in a lifetime chance and I will always hold this against you. I'm angry at all those mothers who reluctantly stay at home with their kid(s) while wishing they were working - Are you kidding? What kind of a mother are you? Why can't I be in your shoes? Why is it that someone like you gets to stay home with their child and someone like me, dying to stay home with my son, cannot? You should be grateful for this special time you have with your kid! I'm angry at my employer and coworkers - You are the ones keeping me from my son, how dare you! You told me you would work with my schedule when I returned; now working part-time isn't a possibility. LIARS! Oddly enough, the only people I'm not angry at are the stay-at-home moms who realize what a privilege they have been given and really make the most of their time with their kid(s). 



STAGE 3 - BARGAINING:
I start to think, "Maybe I can get out of this. I should talk to the big man up there." Enter the nightly prayers to God, Jesus, anyone who will listen. I set Nicolas down in his crib and bow my head to the cross that hangs on the wall over him. 

Dear God, thank you for blessing us with Nicolas. Thank you for keeping him healthy and protecting him. He is so important to me and, as you know, I love him with all my heart and soul. If you can, please please find a way to give me more time at home with him. Just until he is a year old. I'll go back to work full-time after that with no complaints. I will work the rest of my life if I have to, but please give me this time right now. Help my husband find some work so that this can become a reality. I'll be the breadwinner our whole lives if need be, but let me please enjoy the first year of each of my children's lives at home with them.

Although I have already passed the denial stage, these prayers are my last hope. My last attempt to change my fate. 


STAGE 4 - DEPRESSION:
It's over, not even God can fix this. Heck, it's part of his plan. I may think that I was meant to be a stay-at-home mom, but that is not what he has in mind for me. Returning to work is inevitable and I am filled with depression and guilt. I cry, and cry, and then cry some more. I cry myself to sleep night after night. Nicolas reaches a milestone and I cry at the thought that I won't be home when he hits the next one. I will never witness any more firsts. I cannot be the hands-on mom that I always wanted to be. Still crying. With my work schedule, my time with him will be limited to bedtime and weekends. I won't be able to make those monthly treats to celebrate him turning one month older. There won't be as many pictures of him. When he starts eating solids, I'm going to miss his reactions to each new vegetable or fruit he is introduced to. Will the next entries in my monthly journal be empty because I won't be able to comment on all of Nicolas' developments that month? 


The depression is so strong some days that I can't even enjoy being home with my son and Daddy has to take over. Just looking at Nicolas reminds me of what I'll miss and makes me cry. I can't hold him because I'll cry. And then I cry because I just wasted a day crying instead of taking advantage that I'm still on maternity leave. The depression is like the anger, it comes waves and out of nowhere. 


STAGE 5 - ACCEPTANCE:
After working through all the conflicts and feelings that returning to work brings, acceptance is achieved. I've become tired of the emotional roller coaster and succumbed to the inevitable. I'm not saying that I have resolved all the depression, guilt, and anger; although those feelings have subsided, they remain, deep down. But at least I have come to realize that it's not the end of the world. Nicolas will be home with his dad and not some stranger or at some day care. At least someone is working and bringing in the income needed to purchase the formula and diapers for Nicolas so we don't have to waste taxpayer money by subscribing to government programs. I will just have to squeeze in the things that I want to do with Nicolas into weekend time frames. I will have to work extra hard to give him everything I had planned for him. Lucky for him, he has a strong woman for a mother so I CAN give him these things. Although things will be different, they may not necessarily be worse. And hopefully, my efforts will be rewarded and I get to spend more time at home with the next child. 


So tomorrow morning will come and this mom will get ready for work. She will give Nicolas one last kiss before the new mom takes her place. This new mom is a lot like the old mom. This new mom won't be around as much as the old mom, but she will not love Nicolas any less. This sacrifice she is undertaking shows that she loves Nicolas even more.

DIY - A More Personalized Baby Book

If you want something cheaper, do it yourself!


In the last few months of my pregnancy with Nicolas, I was on the hunt for a baby book. You know, just a little something to keep track of his milestones and development. I don't know if it's because I'm too picky, but I just couldn't find one in the store that I liked and liked enough to spend $15+ dollars on. I loved the one my mom did for me, but I doubt they still sell that type of baby book almost 30 years later. So I came up with the idea to create my own book for Nicolas.

I bought this blank journal on clearance at Barnes & Noble for $6.98 (way cheaper than any traditional baby book would cost) to use for Nicolas' baby book. I update it at the end of every month, in my own words, and even add photos from that particular time period.

Yes, this does take a bit more time to do. But in the end, I think Nicolas will appreciate it more when he's old enough to have his own kids. Also, this is an easier way to document those things that don't fit into the typical "milestone" categories you find in traditional baby books, i.e. how many ounces per feeding, growth spurts, sleeping habits, first time baby noticed his surroundings, first time baby grabbed a toy. This is a project you can even undertake once you are pregnant. In this case, my first journal entry was a recap of the pregnancy. Your monthly, or even weekly, updates could provide your child with an insight to who their mom was before they were old enough to remember.


I plan on making this type of baby book for each of my subsequent children. 

It's Museum Day, Choo Choo!

This weekend was Smithsonian Media's annual Museum Day, and it was the first time I had participated. Museum Day is an annual event hosted by Smithsonian Media in which participating museums across the country open their doors for free to anyone presenting a Museum Day Ticket, each ticket worth admission for two. Here in South Florida, that includes places like Miami Metrozoo and, where I went this weekend, the Gold Coast Railroad Museum.

I had first heard of this museum when I was looking into venues for my wedding. I was looking for someplace unique and reasonably priced. I visited the website, but it didn't seem like the place I envisioned for my wedding; so I never really got to see it. But with the free museum admission, I figured why not? I called up my stepmother Janet, and Nicolas and I joined her and my siblings (sister age 6 and twin brothers age 5) for a trip down south. The museum itself is reasonably priced (adults $6, children under 12 are $4, children 2 and under are FREE), and every 1st Saturday of the month there is free admission for everyone. With each of us using our Museum Day tickets, my stepmother and I were able to get our party of 6 into the museum for $4.00 total --- Nicolas was free, so we only had to pay for one of the kids.

This museum is great for kids, especially if your kid is going through a Thomas the Train phase. My sister and brothers were blown away by the giant trains on display which are available for visitors to walk through. Who am I kidding, I was amazed! Between walking through the massive trains to the hourly train/trolley rides (available at an additional cost), the railroad museum is a fantastic way to teach your kids about trains of the past. No extra money to do the train rides? Then visit the model train room where kids can spend the rest of the afternoon building trains on a number of train sets, available at NO extra cost. 

A few additional things I that stuck in my memory.....

1. Although the trains are covered by a big garage, the museum is mostly outdoors; so if we are having a typical Miami summer, the rain could put a damper on your plans.
2. Outside food is allowed! We packed up some snacks and juice packs that we could enjoy at the picnic tables there while Nicolas had a feeding. The museum also has a couple of vending machines with drinks and snacks.
3. There are restrooms that are very accessible, but I did not use them so I can't comment on their condition.
4. For people with babies.... there is no stroller parking at this place, but the parking spaces give you adequate space to unload your child without struggling. And oddly enough, to enter the museum you must go up a set of stairs. We couldn't find a ramp and had to carry Nicolas' stroller up the steps. I wonder how a person in a wheelchair gets into this place. Once inside, there are no issues --- plenty of space and even a ramp to get to the displays.
5. Again for people taking children in strollers... Your stroller will not fit inside the trains, so if you plan on walking with your child through the trains on display you will have to leave the stroller unattended or have someone hang back with it. I didn't see enough staff around to make me comfortable enough to just leave my stroller around, so we pretty much alternated who would stay with Nicolas in the stroller while the other person took the kids through the trains.

 Some of the trains on display

Model train room and kids activity center

 "I can't wait to come here when I'm bigger Mommy!"

I plan on going back with my husband for one of the Saturdays where free admission is offered to see how packed the place gets. Maybe it will be pretty empty like this weekend, or maybe it will be too packed to enjoy the exhibits. The Gold Coast Railroad Museum is located at 12450 S.W. 152 Street, adjacent to MetroZoo. For additional information, check out their website.

First Post

Hello, world! When one starts a blog, it seems fitting to begin with the "First Post" to give a bit of an explanation for the site. I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible. I'm married to my first love, and we have a beautiful son Nicolas who is close to 3mths old now. As I write this, I'm home on maternity leave and loving every second of it. Too bad I go back to work this October... I would stay at home with Nicolas forever!

Like most parents will tell you, having a kid is not cheap! My mission is to find ways to help my son develop and explore the world without breaking the bank. And as I come up with new ways to entertain my son, I'll share those ideas with you here! I'm sure you will see that there are so many things you can do with your kids at home and right here in South Florida!